Never Good Enough...

It's been quite some time since I last wrote something on here. Since then, the holidays have come and gone... people I once knew closely are slowly fading from my life... and my relationship with my girlfriend has gotten longer and more complex.

Anyways, I'm writing this as an extension of my current emotions. Lately, I feel like I'm not good enough. Although I won't admit it to her, I kinda feel like I'm not good enough for my girlfriend. I've been hearing how important it is to have my college degree (which I agree 100%... but I don't understand the damn rush to get one). She had me sold all the way on moving to Michigan. On leaving my family and friends behind to make her happy and to have a better life for us both. I wanted that so bad... and I did (until about 5 minutes ago). I'm beginning to realize that no matter what I do or how I do it, I have to fit into some mold that she expects. I can't be easy and laid back... taking my time with my goals. Given, I need alot of motivation to get there, but I get there.

A few things I've wanted to obtain lately are my A+ certification and my drivers license. Seeing as my girl and I just had an argument, I find myself going at this alone. Wish me luck.

As I close this rant, I'd like to remind myself that she is moving in with her friend (in Long Island of all places), and has told me she is never coming back. I hope this is not the end... If I am truly the main cause of this all, I guess I deserve to live my last years alone. I guess it's payback for my dad (I'll explain some other time) - what better way to end the family legacy by being the last male to carry on the family name?

I hope my death is painful, yet known. I hope my family understands the reason for my mood the last few years. I wish I had no alliances... to no man, beast, or god... just to me. To walk the Earth as a traveler... ending my life wherever fate has my grave prepared. That is truly what calls me. If this is truly the end of my relationship, may fate lead me to my true calling... whether it be in this life or the next.

Until next time...